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 Via Comedy Central A couple of years ago, I got into it HEAVY with some lady online about “The R”. She said something about the Eddie Long scandal, and I told her if we’re slandering people due to allegations, then I hope she felt the same way about the man who sounds like a harmonizing goat (the animal, not the accolade).
She got mad and said that we shouldn’t talk about the masked singing menace because he wasn’t expected to mentor and save souls like Eddie was, and that was absurd to me. Allow me to say right now, I in no way condone the things that Eddie Long was accused of, but the notion that one sin is greater than the other because someone is a spiritual leader and the other is not is preposterous. Anyway, the debate continued, and of course, like any non-self respecting member of the #peehive, she started victim blaming. So I asked if she had a daughter and what she would do if said daughter told her that Kellmonger had nefarious intentions with her. This woman fixed her fingers to type, “Well she shouldn’t have been out there being ‘fast’ or whatever.” I was beside myself. I promise to the Most High that this was my next thought:
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 Welcome to the second installment of my sport's piece. In the first article, I covered the NBA. Now, it’s time to talk about… The NFL Is Psycho Tom done? So word on the street is that Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr., First of His Name, Slayer of Panthers, Lord Over the Ram Horn, Residential Bird Killer, and Protector of Text Messages has not made a commitment to return to the New England Patriots. Listen, I’m not a fan of the Pats but I’ve always liked the way Tom plays. With that being said, what the hell is going on in New England to where the Pats are involved in a situation so volatile that the man who played through Spygate, Deflategate, and Choking 101 (34-28) wouldn’t want to commit to the house that he helped build? We’ve been hearing rumblings for a while that Darth Sidious (Belichick) and President Snow (Kraft) are at odds over what direction the franchise goes in next and this development, in congruence with Solomon Grundy (Gronk) not knowing if he’s coming back, kind of supports the sneaking suspicion that House Lannister may finally fall. We’ll keep you updated as this develops. Dez out here Dezing So the Cowboys released Dez Bryant and reports surfaced that Dez was heard saying they’ll have to see him twice a year. This instantly drove NFL fans into chaos, as the only teams who are guaranteed to play Dallas twice a year are the Washington R’s (never cared for the name of their team), the Eagles, and the Giants. Let’s go over their outlook if they sign Dez: Washington Racial Slurs: They still won’t be s***!!! Philadelphia Eagles: Go from Super Saiyan God Blue to Mastered Ultra Instinct New York Giants: They look fantastic when you think about the fact the Odell is there, and then depressing when you realize Eli Manning is a bum half of the time… I’m not a big fan of Dez. Part of this is because of how often he drops the ball, and the other part is he does nothing for me in fantasy football. However, I’d be foolish to think that he doesn’t add significant value to the right team if they pull the trigger. We’ll see how this unfolds in a thousand months when the next NFL season kicks off. Also, the Cleveland Browns are still ass. No matter who they sign. J2 J2 once swallowed bubblegum when he was 6, and it didn't come out until he was 13. You may already know this from listening to the show, but I just want to say plainly that I love sports. Sports usually involve drama that never gets old, and from season to season there are a ton of different storylines to follow at any given time regardless of what sport you choose to pay attention to. Even in golf, the whitest sport of all time, there’s an interesting narrative to be told. With that being said, I’m proud to provide hot-takes and some semi-responsible commentary on sports. Let’s get to it! The NBA Playoffs Unlike the 2015, 2016, and 2017 playoffs, there appears to be a little more parity in the 2018 playoffs. Now I believe that we’re headed for a Houston Rockets (if Curry doesn’t return in time from injury) and Cleveland Cavaliers (more on that in just a bit) NBA Finals, but let’s break down some noteworthy bits that have occurred in the first round so far. A Singin’ Wakandan vs. The Kang The Cavs are coming off a Game 1 loss to the Pacers who bodied them behind the leadership of an R&B singer who also happens to be a citizen of Wakanda. Victor Oladipo dropped 32 pts on 11/19 FG’s and looked like he was Infinity War-ready. I’m sure the Cavs are going to bounce back in Game 2, but let’s really take a look at their 2017-18 campaign as a whole. The Cavs started the season off on a down note when they traded Kyrie Irving to Boston for a damaged Isaiah Thomas. Then they traded everyone they got in that trade and did what essentially was a mid-season reboot and decided to press forward. Before the season began (and the Kyrie trade) I said that the Cavs weren’t going back to the Finals this year. It just seemed like the organization was set to implode with the realization that going against the Golden State Legion of Doom was an exercise in futility. The ONLY reason I’m picking them now is because of Kyrie’s injury. Boston was set to usurp the Cavs during the playoffs, but it doesn’t look like that’s set to happen. Could you imagine the jokes that Bron haters would have if he gets eliminated in the first round?!  Dwayne Wade goes back to 2006 I’ve been saying for years that Wade’s best years are behind him and what happened during Game 2 of the Heat/76ers series did nothing to change that stance. That was a life model decoy, not The Flash. (Yes I know those references are from two different comic book companies… Suck it…) The Heat have a lot of great pieces in place and all they really need is a true superstar to give them a fair shot against most of the East. Dwayne Wade is no longer that man. Sixers in 5. It was fun seeing 2006 again, though. Boston ain’t going… The Boston Celtics have pulled off a miracle and find themselves up 2-0 on the Bucks without their two best players, Kyrie Irving and Gordon Hayward. Only it’s not a miracle if you think about the fact that Brad “IT Helpdesk Support Rep” Stevens is their coach. This was the team that I figured would be going to the Finals and fulfilling my great “Fall of the King” prophecy, with part of that prediction rested on the shoulders of Stevens. The man knows X’s and O’s and commands more than superstar power in order to be defeated. Too bad we couldn’t see his squad at full strength. And seriously… he looks like he’d troubleshoot the s*** out of your failing computer. J2J2 once eliminated the Cleveland Brows from playoff contention.  Nobody likes the leg Over the past two years, I have worked tirelessly to establish The Negro Justice League as a source of credible intellectual criticism on issues that are important to black people. That being said, a few days ago, J2 published an article ranking the top five chicken establishments. We have received several strong reactions from readers who take offense to J2’s article, not because he’s a black man writing about chicken, but because he let a restaurant that only sells chicken fingers top the list. It is my duty as the leader of The Negro Justice League to right this wrong. I will not amend J2’s article, however, I will create my own definitive list of the Top Five FRIED Chicken Establishments. Honorable Mention: Go Chicken Go – I’m going to be honest with y’all… I don’t really remember what this restaurant’s chicken tastes like. They made the list because of their gravy. They serve a yellow gravy that is the bomb dot com. Unfortunately, their only locations are in Kansas City, so if you want some, you might have to take a little trip. It's worth it, though. Now, to the real contenders #5 KFC – The Colonel literally changed the game when it comes to fried chicken. He had the brilliant idea to fry chicken in giant pressure cookers. Anybody who’s ever operated a pressure cooker can tell you how exquisitely dangerous this is. He’s also the first Caucasian man to go on record seasoning his food. I can't imagine the backlash he must have generated. To this day, we don’t know exactly which eleven herbs and spices are on that chicken, and that's okay. At least we know it's seasoned.  The exact moment The Colonel found out his chicken was "Finger Lickin' Good" via KFC #4 Bojangles’ – I really don’t have a lot to say here. Bojangles’ aint bad. They serve respectable fried chicken with reasonable sides. I do like that they serve breakfast. Nothing disappoints me like wanting to fill my arteries with fat and salt on my way to work only to find the drive-thru doesn’t open until 11 am. #3 Popeye’s – Okay, we’ve reached the heavy hitters, and this is where people’s feelings start to get hurt. I really enjoy Popeye’s, especially the spicy chicken. Any time a restaurant gives me the option to go spicy I take it. It’s how you communicate to the majority culture that you want your food seasoned. #2 Church’s Chicken – Let me tell you! Who doesn’t get excited to pull into a new city and see they have a Church’s? When I was a kid, my parents used to drive an hour south to Richmond, VA just to get some of that big ass chicken. Yes, you may have to wait 45 minutes to get your food, but that swan-sized chicken breast is well worth the wait. Whatever type of genetic modification they have going on with that food makes it extra delectable. I think J2 may have said something about the sides… Who needs sides when you can get two ostrich legs for $1.99? Oh, and don't forget to get the red soda. And the top spot goes to… *drum roll* #1 My Mama’s House – Yeah, I said it. No, this is not a restaurant. No, you can’t get some. I have been at my desk for the past hour thinking of a way to communicate to y’all exactly how good my mama’s chicken is. I was going to tell you how she out Colonel’s the Colonel with only four seasonings. I was going to tell you how she tucks the wing tips up under the chicken so they fry evenly and you don’t get salmonella. I was going to tell you how she fries them in a skillet and leaves them on napkins to dry. Instead of explaining all this, I decided to just give you a picture…  Wings Frying via My Mama My mama’s chicken is better than yo’ mama’s chicken, and not nan one of y’all better write me about it, neither. Oh, and follow our Instagram food blog @NJLeats. CherryCherry served as President of the Hogwart's Black Student Union from 2005-2006.  You Bet' Not Touch My Biscuit via WSB Atlanta Today’s installment of “Only in Atlanta” involves two women who decided to engage in mortal combat in a Chick-Fil-A drive-thru. When I woke up this morning, I had three messages from Chersei Lannister (Cherry, but you knew that) telling me I had to see the foolery that unfolded over some delectable chicken biscuits. Apparently, two women engaged in a Wrestlemania worthy feud that escalated to the point where they couldn’t exercise the decency to get off of holy ground before a round of Street Fighter. One woman pulled a gun and pointed it at who has to be the King Koopa (we don’t acknowledge the name “Bowser” here) in her life but was stopped from making a worse mistake by two other individuals. Goro and Shao Khan then decided to press the “start” button and square up. What are the chances that two days after we made our official fast food chicken rankings two Tekken fighters decided that Chick-Fil-A was the appropriate battleground to settle their differences? I believe one of these two were fighting for the honor of the 4-Count Ministry, but I can’t say more for fear of being subpoenaed. I told y’all the list was law, yet people still came to me with complete and egregious disrespect when it came to St. Chick. I don’t care what you think, Chick-Fil-A has delicious food with a side of great customer service and you heathens better recognize. Get your souls right and pray before you spray. J2 J2 once helped a little boy who was being picked on because he was so small. J2 told the boy to stay strong, eat right, and be good to everyone. That boy grew up to become Godzilla.  Jerry Rice via Popeyes Here at the NJL, we talk about A LOT of ish ranging anywhere from the importance of HBO’s, “Insecure”, to the current landscape of millennial dating to trying to figure out why the Nintendo Switch even exists. We’re a spirited bunch, so you can imagine that we have spirited debates. One topic that we constantly love to go back to is how we feel about food. We respect the culinary arts to the highest degree and constantly share anything we’ve discovered. For whatever reason, Cherry finds ridiculously delicious sounding Oreos that NO ONE else can find. I’m still looking for the double chocolate Unicorn Oreos, myself. One thing that’s hotly debated amongst the NJL and our readers/listeners is who sells the best fried chicken in chain franchises. Today, I’m going to tell you EXACTLY who it is. Now, I’m completely aware of the negative stereotype associated with black people and chicken. It’s something that persists despite the fact that every culture likes chicken, too (y’all know damn well we didn’t come up with putting marinara sauce and cheese on fried chicken and throwing it in some noodles). I don’t intend to turn into Rocket Raccoon over the course of this article, but in the event that I do, please focus on the ill-advised-but-hilarious picture of NFL Hall-of-Famer Jerry Rice eating Popeyes chicken that was strategically placed above the article as a distraction from stuff I may say. The criteria for this list is as follows:
Without any further delay, here we go!  Jerry Rice via Popeyes 5. Church’s- This one is going to be brief. Church’s is pretty good, but the origin of their chicken is questionable. How is a wing as big as a breast, fella? Their tenders are on point and the sauces are also good. Their sides are really where they cash in. They have fries, corn on the cob, mashed potatoes, fried okra, and some more stuff I’m not going to discuss here because I’m getting in the realm that Jerry Rice currently resides in. Besides the fact that they serve what appears to be ill-gotten chicken, Church’s is this low on the list because of the ridiculous wait times. They’re the reverse of Chick-Fil-A while somehow finding a way to be behind Popeye’s in this category. They don’t run out of chicken, but you’re still confused as to how big the chicken was in the first place. I think they serve pterodactyl. 4. Popeyes- I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to Popeyes. I love the taste, crispiness, and juiciness of their chicken. You can’t beat a perfectly fried and seasoned breast from there. The fries and red beans & rice are legendary. For the longest time their version of “strawberry (RED) drank” put all other fountain drinks in existence to shame. Their sauces aren’t that remarkable, but that Cajun Sparkle seasoning is the one gift from above that Chick-Fil-A couldn’t get. Seriously, that s*** changes how the chicken tastes completely. The problems I have with Popeye’s is that they will make you late returning from your lunch break and/or will run out of chicken on yo hungry ass. Also, some times their people flat out won’t (not to be confused with “can’t”) follow your directions. They’ll give you the opposite of what you want in a heartbeat and then take forever to give you what you asked for. Now let’s take a second to talk about Jerry Rice.  I know this breaks the critique I set forth at the beginning of this, but they lost a ton of points for even asking Jerry to do that. Man, he has a hat on with cups for sauces. Anatomically that makes no sense. Why the hell would I reach UP to DIP something, fam? That lady on the commercial is already highly questionable, but they made sure to confirmed our feelings about her are justified by getting Jerry to do that commercial. A disposable shirt that allows you to wipe the wing sauce off of your hands and makes it so that you won’t mess up your real shirt? And on top of that you have the AUDACITY to question the Black Lives Matter movement? AND COLIN KAEPERNICK? Is this your GOAT?! 3. Zaxby’s- For a long time Zaxby’s was my #1 in the Trinity of Chicken. When cooked to perfection their chicken is certified deliciousness. The reason why they’re in the 3-spot is a combination of their customer service and them not always seasoning their fries correctly. I know this is petty, but there’s a huge difference when they do right by your food, dawg. A reason why it’s still this high is because Zaxby’s has the greatest combo meal of all time: Wings and Things. Don’t fight me on this. What’s crazier is you can have your tenders dipped in any of the various (and superb) wing sauces. I just woke somebody up with that. Their cookies are nothing to poo-poo at, neither, and their side items are up there with what Chick-Fil-A offers in terms of variety. If only they were more consistent… 2. Chick-Fil-A- Y’all can’t know how close the Church of Chicken was to being at the top of this list. The chicken is good, the sauces are on point (the Polynesian sauce in particular is bussin’), and the lemonade is magical. Due to their signature item (the Chicken Sandwich) being pretty hit-or-miss, I can’t give them the top spot. However, every side item they serve is good. If we were factoring in the desserts, Chick-Fil-A would’ve won in dominating fashion. The sweet treats would be deemed sinful if the company wasn’t so holy. God had to have cut a deal to allow this food to be this good in exchange for it being closed on Sunday’s. The customer service is superior, and every company that deals directly with customers should follow their model. With that being said, here’s my personal story about the goodness that is Saint Chick and what they’ve done for me: So boom, I went to Chick-Fil-A to get some food one night. I was hungry like a mug and that line looked impossibly long yet implausibly steady. I already had it my mind what I was getting: A four-count chicken strip meal with a large waffle fry and large lemonade. It was a Thursday and I believe the LeBron-led Miami Heat were playing someone, so I wanted to make sure I got home to watch “King James” possibly fail. After what seemed like 2 seconds, I found myself at the window handing my debit card that had only enough for this meal to the God-fearing Christian working the register. She handed my card back, but something was missing. Could it be that my card declined and I would be simultaneously leaving empty handed and shaming my family in public? As she came back to the window I was overcome with fear. She then told me that they made a mistake and dropped my chicken strips and they were going to make me some fresh strips. She apologized several times before telling me to pull down to a pole that was ahead. I quickly checked around to make sure I hadn’t accidentally pulled up at a Burger King. About 5 minutes later, a young man came out with my food. What happened next was magical. This man gave me a large vanilla milkshake, four Polynesian sauces, the strips I ordered, 4 additional strips, and a velvet covered Bible. That story alone should’ve given Chick-Fil-A the #1 spot, but it’s just unfair. 1. Raising Cane’s- I KNOW this one won’t be met with grand approval, especially when it comes to the variety of their menu, but Raising Cane’s has THE best fast food chicken out there. When Cane’s is fresh (which it almost always is) it’s absolute MONEY!!! They also have a great staff that appears to really like coming up with catch phrases that precede them taking your order. The lemonade hits, the fries are perfectly crunchy, and that damn toast came from the Gods of Texas. Their signature Cane’s Sauce is zesty goodness that perfectly complements the chicken fingers. The only drawback they have, really, is the variety. (Now I’m slightly hungry) Don’t debate me! THIS IS LAW!!! Keep it locked here for more entries of NJL Eats as well as other black geek think pieces and random works of anger. Also, Chick-Fil-A didn’t give me a velvet Bible, but the rest is true. J2Legend has it that J2 once witnessed how much wood a woodchuck could chuck… I already explained what this is about in Vol. 1, so let’s get it CRAAAACKIN’!!! *Spoilers meant to convince you to save your eyes, ears, and mind to follow*  Empire: FOX Empire I’m going to share two stories with you. Story 1- I loved the first season of Empire, so I was all in on watching the season 2 premiere. I had my snacks, my phone was on silent (code for: DRY AF), and I took a nap earlier so I wouldn’t be tired from whatever I had going on that day. So, the episode starts and so far things are cool. I have the characters I know and love back and the writing is holding up. Then, out of Django heaven, Cookie Lyon rolls through in a gorilla suit. I didn’t know how to feel. I understood what the show was going for, but this was a prime example of doing the most. This is when I should’ve stopped watching, but I pressed through. Story 2- Later in season 2, Jamal Lyon gets exposed for sleeping with a character who Alicia Keys is playing. Now up until this point, he was a gay man who had been tormented by his father for who he was. Jamal is standing outside of the Empire headquarters and is confronted by a bunch of men. They throw flip flops at him while singing a song called “Flip Flop”, which was a play on the hottest song on the show at the time, “Drip Drop”. This scene pissed me off so bad. Not because the people in it were gay (the NJL don’t feel a certain way about it), but because the scene is so damn WACK!!! It’s an embarrassment to anyone involved, including the viewer. Just so you know, the show manages to overcome all obstacles and gets worse from there. This show is trash, and I’m willing to engage in social media debates informing you of why it’s trash. The only way it could possibly have been worse is if they hired Mo’Nique. This is what she should’ve focused on boycotting.  The Flash: CW The Flash My, how the mighty have fallen. There was a time when the story of Barry Allen was must-see television. The first season is freakin’ brilliant. As someone who loves mysteries, finding out the identity of Reverse Flash was a huge deal. What was even better was that your patience paid off in a huge way in the end. The Flash was loved because it embraced what made the comics so fun. The show was absurd, even going as far as to have Gorilla Grodd on the show. GORILLA GRODD!!! Then, it hit a wall. A wall of recycled material. Seasons 2 and 3 BOTH have the same exact plot as the first season. A new speedster is in town and his identity is a mystery that’s hidden until like the final few episodes. It’s lazy and insulting, if I’m being honest. Now the show is downright unbearable. They literally have no plan for the Flash and company and it’s pathetic. Barry’s adventures aren’t remotely as fun as they used to be, and now the show is dealing with those accursed love stories often associated with CW shows. Save yourself a lot of trouble and just wiki what happens.  Scandal: ABC Scandal Man, this one hurts. I know that the current season of Scandal (7) is the last, but you can just stop watching it now. Scandal has been ass since, like, season 3. The B613 story lasted WAY too long. Sure, Joe Morton is an excellent actor and Pop Pope is always entertaining, but the fascination with him drug the show down. Jake became too shifty, Mellie became too whiny, Cyrus too honest, and Olivia too neutral. Olivia should’ve gone full villain much earlier. The show just became so inconsistent with their characters that it took a nosedive. Anybody remember when Liv could tell when someone was lying? They exchanged that and other empowering qualities she possessed for recklessness, arrogance, and dumb decision-making. Liv’s character was further damaged by the fact that How to Get Away With Murder came on right after, where Annalise gets to walk around like the damn God of War. I’m so glad that Scandal is mercifully ending. They better not touch Grey’s Anatomy, though… J2J2 once battled two goats for the right to become the GOAT. |
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