I’m gonna be honest with you guys... Forget Mr. “I’m only dangerous if you sleep, Christmas ugly sweater wearing” Freddy. Or “My momma started it because I was bullied (but rightfully so, for being a butterface-with-no-butter ugly)” Jason. Don’t even come at me about that punk “ It’s just a damn Cabbage Patch doll” Chucky. Why? Because since day 1 I’ve been a Michael “Mike” Myers fan. Mr. “I been murking since I was a child just because.” He who has the hardest ‘ I WILL KILL YOU’ music with the piano keys and heavy organ, and you know it’s low key a trap beat. Michael Myers is the MVP of this slasher-horror game, the one who never gets the respect he deserves for his consistency with the basic ‘scare’ fundamentals. That’s right, Michael Myers is the Tim Duncan of horror. He has the rings and hall of fame career, but because he doesn’t have flashy hand knives, or a stupid hockey mask, he isn’t given the proper respect. I thank GOD for this new Halloween screenplay written by Danny McBride (of all people). Maybe now people will put more Respeck on Mike’s name. By the way, Spoilers Ahead.
This screenplay basically starts Halloween Eve with two millennial reporters who have a hard-on for social justice ( yes, as a fellow millennial big on social justice, I know my people) and go to the prison where Michael-- played TO PERFECTION by James Jude Courtney-- has been imprisoned. This man is not talking to anyone, just standing there like a living avatar of Death since being imprisoned. They ask questions about himself and the new move that all the inmates will be taking to the new facilities. All this is fine until… these idiots bring out his original mask. The whole courtyard of mentally unstable and dangerous folk start whooping and hollering like Excalibur was just pulled out the stone, with Michael Myers as their King Arthur. Michael of course says nothing, or even acknowledges what is happening, but you know and I know that he KNOWS. Now, I don’t know about y’all, but I would have “Nope’d” the hell out of there so quick that Barry Allen would have had to show up and give a warning about possibly messing with the time stream. What’s really great about this scene is though you are staring at Michael’s back the entire time, his presence is undeniable. This man isn’t a killer, or mentally tortured in some way; he is categorized under ‘other’ and it shows.
Meanwhile, in Haddonfield, Illinois, Laurie Strode (played amazingly well by Jamie Lee Curtis) is being considered the crazy old lady by both the town and her family because of how she has never got over what happened that horrible night 40 years ago. In one poignant part shown early in the movie, someone mentions how Michael really only killed 5 people that Halloween night and the world has had to deal with so much worse since then, so what’s the big deal? And they are right, because compared to 911, police brutality, and TRUMP, what is 5 deaths? But Laurie knows that Michael isn’t just some guy who killed a ‘few people’. He is Death incarnate and it’s only a matter of time before he’s free again. So Laurie stays vigilant, even though her daughter Karen (played by Judy Greer) hates her for a childhood of living in fear and preparation, and her grandaughter Allyson (played by Andi Matichak) just wants Laurie to move on so she can be a part of her life again. And thank God she did! The Mental Health Ally in me cries out for her PTSD trigger and the survivor’s guilt that she deals with throughout the movie. Yet, she is the ONLY ONE prepared for the inevitable escape of Michael, and the path of destruction he makes towards her doorway. I was kind of expecting an eventual “I told you so” from Laurie when shit hits the fan, but Curtis plays Laurie with a no nonsense attitude that makes her validation even sweeter.
His poker face is immaculate
From the moment Michael breaks away from the prison bus, he’s cutting, slicing, dicing, and eviscerating a path that makes you think “Well... clearly no one is gonna complain about only 5 murders this time.” I refuse to explicitly spoil these scenes because the visceral visuals is an absolute must-see for horror fans. However, I will say there is one continuous long shot of him coming back to his old stomping grounds without missing a beat. Michael had to have been practicing inside somehow because ain’t nan piece of rust on his swing. He’s lifting 250 lbs. like it’s lightweight. His cardio is immaculate, which makes sense when you realize he power walks everywhere. I will admit there’s some slippage here in plot with people who seem important but don’t really show up later. There is also teenage drama that seems wildly misplaced for a bit, but honestly, these are minor gripes. It’s so exciting to see Michael Myers vs Laurie Strode in this movie. In my opinion, it’s better than Freddy Vs. Jason simply because Laurie and Michael have history and go at it ON SITE.
While everyone else is fearing for their life and trying to run the hell away (little black boy was gaaaaaawn), Laurie, her family, squares up as if to say “Come through playboy, we got ALL. THE. SMOKE. for ya brisket headass.” Now, to be fair, it’s not nearly as easy as she thought it would be. Even with her training for 40 years. ESPECIALLY since he’s fresh out of Kill Krazy Kamp, eating jello everyday and what not. But that’s what makes this movie so good. You really don’t know how it’s going to end; and when it does, you sit back and let the breath out you’ve been unconsciously holding for the last fifteen minutes.
When I first heard Danny McBride was doing a reboot of the Halloween series, I rolled my eyes like everyone else. Not because I didn’t want to see Big Brother Mike from 1978 cross the screen again, but because I assumed this movie would be another Hollywood cash grab on my nostalgia. I am rarely this happy to be so wrong (shut up Cherry). If I ever see Danny McBride in person, I owe him a personal apology. Not only did he do this movie right, but he also gave much respect to the character and mythos of the Halloween franchise. And while I have no idea how they could possibly start a sequel, with the way this movie is making money it’s almost sure to happen. I put my trust in their hands. Now, if I could just find out Michael Myers’ workout plan so I can move like he does at 46 years old, I’d be a happy man. A happy man who would definitely NOT kill people... making sure to put that out there.
Final Grade: A
The voices in his head helped him write this. They all sound like Pooh Bear.
So a week before we officially got word that Disney buying 21st Century Fox was a thing, it was a really hot rumor. So hot, that my fellow geeks and I couldn’t wait to talk about what the world would look like if Wolverine was sent on a mission to kill a target, only to find out that target was Hulk. If Mr. Fantastic was consulted by Peter Parker on how to stop his mutation into an actual Man-Spider. If the Shi’ar Empire appeared in a Guardians of the Galaxy film. So many awesome suggestions were thrown out there, and with each new or classic story that was brought up, the enthusiasm grew. And then, out of freakin’ nowhere, one guy says:
“Man… I sure hope that they don’t mess up Deadpool with all this PG stuff!”
Admittedly, I was slightly annoyed. Deadpool is funny character who found real prominence thanks to his 2015 film. A solid film that went on to become the highest grossing X-men film ever, and, with time, also became CRIMINALLY overrated. How overrated? There are people that believe Deadpool is a better choice than Thor for a fight against a group of other super heroes. That’s absolutely absurd, but I digress. I let my annoyance go, and moved on with my day. So later, I’m talking to a separate group of geeks about the then-possible merger, and yet again, someone brings up Deadpool. B, but it was worse this time. This lost soul said:
“I don’t care about any of those other properties, Deadpool is going to suck now because they’re going to try and make it PG!!!”
I’m here to make sure you all understand the gravity of the situation, here. Deadpool is cool, but we had WAY better comic book movies before he came along with crude jokes and body humor. If they don’t make another Deadpool movie, we’ll be fine. I understand your concerns. You want something that’s a hard “R” (gotta be careful with that), has plenty of gore, and will make you laugh. It’s the American way. You know what else is the American way? Sit back because I have a list:
I could really get crazy (Xenomorphs and Predators in Star Wars, The Simpsons appear in a Pixar film) but I don’t think it’s necessary. We live in a world where things look cool and they eventually disappoint, but I’m going to be optimistic about this one. Disney acquiring 21st Century Fox allows what we geeks have been begging for over the course of several years. All we want, all we NEED is all of Marvel’s characters under the same roof so we can get the stories we really want to see on screen. We finally have that. What a time to be alive!!!
And for the sake of all things awesome, please…
Shut the hell up about Deadpool…
From Jackson, MS, and is mostly proud of that. Trash will not be tolerated no matter how old it is. Might be a robot, and in a movie could be played by the Tin Man in "The Whiz"