Let’s Talk About R. Kelly and Thot Magic®

Via Comedy Central

A couple of years ago, I got into it HEAVY with some lady online about “The R”.  She said something about the Eddie Long scandal, and I told her if we’re slandering people due to allegations, then I hope she felt the same way about the man who sounds like a harmonizing goat (the animal, not the accolade). 

She got mad and said that we shouldn’t talk about the masked singing menace because he wasn’t expected to mentor and save souls like Eddie was, and that was absurd to me.  Allow me to say right now, I in no way condone the things that Eddie Long was accused of, but the notion that one sin is greater than the other because someone is a spiritual leader and the other is not is preposterous. 

Anyway, the debate continued, and of course, like any non-self respecting member of the #peehive, she started victim blaming.  So I asked if she had a daughter and what she would do if said daughter told her that Kellmonger had nefarious intentions with her.

This woman fixed her fingers to type, “Well she shouldn’t have been out there being ‘fast’ or whatever.”

I was beside myself.  I promise to the Most High that this was my next thought:

R. KELLY CAN’T EVEN SING WELL ENOUGH TO GET THAT KIND OF SUPPORT!!!

Ok that’s cool. This is addressed to people who want to turn a blind eye to his criminal behavior.  I’m just going to talk about the Grand Perpetrator strictly based on what y’all love him for.  My disdain for him stretches far beyond the allegations.  He’s criminally overrated, and I’m tired of black people acting like this man is this great maestro.  Let’s get a couple of things straight:

• He can’t SING- All he does is a bunch of carrying on.  He masks his vocal deficiencies with a lot of hoop’n and hollin’ and y’all eat it up like he’s Luther Vandross or something.  He’s a solid storyteller and that’s another way he masks the fact that he sounds like a wounded lamb.
• His performances suck- He just sings a couple of lines from his underwhelming catalogue of songs, humps someone randomly, lets thirst driven degenerates touch his nether-area through his absurdly baggy leather jogging pants and talks about how he loves doing nasty ish to women who aren’t in his age group.
• Thot Magic® - Some people are subject to a thing I like to call “Thot Magic”.  Thot Magic is that talent that a thot has that makes you ignore all of their thot practices, character flaws, savagery, and otherwise undesirable behaviors.  Thot Magic includes (but is not limited to) singing, dancing, rapping, DJ’ing, intellectual prowess, hotepery, teaching, preaching, comedy, coaching, and athleticism.  Not everyone who possesses these abilities is a harlot, but harlots do utilize some form of Thot Magic to weaken their victims.  Famous users of Thot Magic are Chris Brown, O.J. Simpson, Tony Stark, Damon Salvatore, Fitzgerald Grant III, Michael Jordan, Wilt Chamberlin, Usher, Drake, Kevin Hart, Justin Timberlake, Halle Berry, Tom Cruise, Ray J, Luke Cage, Trey Songz, James St. Patrick, Angelina Jolie… Man I could make a separate piece about this alone.

Y’all just need to let this barbarian go on his way.  He hasn’t done anything deserving of the excuses and support he gets.  The Boondocks were right about how we as a people handle celebrities that just ain’t s**t (Google it).

R. Kelly is trash. ​
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J2

J2’s first album, “Notes from a Savage Oppressor” drops February 29, 2020.  It's already certified gold and you can listen to it on MySpace.